Loopy

I'm stuck in a loop. Not that it's a bad loop or anything, but over the past few weeks my thoughts keep returning to the same things over and over again.

1. Flowers. They're pretty. They're popping up everywhere. I wonder if I can name them all as I'm walking down the street (I can name about 75%). Tulips are my favorite. No, maybe Crocuses. Maybe Ranunculus. Maybe Magnolias. Conclusion: Spring flowers are my favorite because to me they are more than just flowers. They are the first signs of life. They are new beginnings.

2. My foot hurts. For a while I thought it was getting better, but now I'm pretty sure it's exactly the same as it was six months ago. I don't think running injuries are supposed to last this long if I'm not even running. I'm starting to think it's not just because of bad shoes. I changed shoes and although it doesn't ever get quite as bad as it used to it also isn't getting better. The problem is that I'm always on my feet. Both of my jobs require it. Maybe if I stop working and lay in bed all day for a few months my foot will finally heal itself. Or I can go to a foot doctor. Podiatrist? Or should I go to a sports doctor? Is this sport-related or shoe-related? How am I going to afford a specialist when I don't even have health insurance? I did a test the other night, slowly stepping forward and transferring my weight from the heel of my foot to the toe and then pushing forward, trying to find exactly where it hurts. What's the motion that is the root of all this? Here's what I found; a weird popping. Something in my toe isn't moving right. As I move forward something shifts in my right toe and pops. Something that doesn't move in my un-injured left foot.

I've also realized just how depressed I am about this. Every morning I wake up and want to run. Every time I see someone running by my heart lurches. I crave running. I even dream about running sometimes. Since I started running in junior high I haven't ever gone this long without running. And I'm yearning for it. I feel sluggish. I feel depressed. I can't get my thoughts straight. Running is like a daily meditation for me and now that I can't do it everything just feels off.

3. On a happier note, I've been thinking a lot about basketball. I know, I think about it all the time. But if you're paying any attention to the Western conference playoff race you can see why. Only 3 games separate the 8th spot from the 2nd spot. (I realize that may have sounded like gibberish to a few of you. How to explain this...? So, the top 8 teams in the West get to go to the playoffs. They are ranked according to winning percentage. The number 8 team would have the same winning percentage as the number 2 team if they won 3 games and the number 2 team's percentage stayed the same. Maybe I'm just confusing you...) Every single game that happens among any of the top 9 teams carries a lot of weight! Rankings change overnight. Today I went to NBA.com and wrote down the schedules for all of the top teams, to see if I can predict where they are going to end up. I can sort of judge based on who they are playing in the future how many games they are likely to win. I spent 2 hours at NBA.com wondering where my team is going to end up. It was fun, but stressful. Wow, am I obsessed or what?

Holy crap, I'm writing!

So this whole writing-on-my-blog thing is getting more and more rare. And, here's the thing; I'm starting to really miss it. I like writing for an audience. It gets me out of my own head a little bit. I write differently if I know no one is ever going to read what I'm writing. There's no need to think about anything. I suppose it's more free flowing that way, but that sort of writing has no universal appeal. It's all about me, written for me; me completely un-edited. And the thing about that is it holds no interest for others. And as much as I love me I want other people to be compelled by my writing. I can't publish myself.

I've been trying to work on balance. On in-betweens. Because I'm not very good at them. I'm all or nothing. One way or another. I have a hard time finding happy mediums, and I think that might be one of the most important lessons I can learn. Making time for myself and making time to be social instead of crawling away into a hole and focusing on writing and neglecting all my friends and then going crazy after a few weeks and feeling a monstrous loneliness and then creeping out of the hole and apologizing and hanging out with my friends constantly until I start to go crazy and need to be alone again. Finding some way to be healthy and exercise even though I can't run instead of giving up all hope of being in shape until I can run again. Writing for myself and for an audience (a blog being a really good example. I'm writing for a more personal audience which makes my writing more relaxed than it would be if I was writing for a professor or something. And my relaxed writing is generally better.)

For some reason if things can't be exactly the way I want them I tend to give up on them completely and want them to be the opposite. I don't really understand why. Maybe I like the conflict. Two very opposing sides don't blend well and create sparks. And I do like sparks. I like their energy. I think of energy as passion and excitement. I can't let go of the conflict for this reason, but I think I could still learn something from the in-betweens.