Update

By now you have no doubt noticed that the whole "I borrowed a computer and now I will start blogging every day" thing isn't quite working out. Internet problems. Empty promises. My apologies. Sometimes I get a little over excited.

New developments:

I'm staying in Corvallis. For at least four years. That's right; I'm going back to school.

I mean, assuming I get in. OSU isn't too selective so I don't think that will be a problem. Money probably will be, but it's one I can figure out. Scholarships maybe? Part-time classes? I'm getting used to money being an obstacle and learning how to work around it.

I'm not going to study writing. I decided it's really the sort of thing I should just practice and maybe let others read from time to time and give their criticism. I've always been better at figuring out that sort of thing on my own, anyway.

I'm going to be a scientist.

I want to save the world.

Or at least, a part of it. Preserve it a little. Learn, study; work outside. Probably Zoology. There are some animals out there that need my help. Some of my earliest memories are of studying ants or birds in my backyard. Saving earthworms that came up onto the sidewalk in rainstorms.

I'm really going back to my youth with this. Remembering the things that have always mattered to me seems a good way to make myself happy in the long run. Books, nature, animals, dancing, creativity, competition. The first things that ever made me smile. Maybe if I make them a higher priority I will continue to smile brighter every day. Seems like a no-brainer, but yet somehow these core values always seem to get lost when I start trying to grow up. Maybe I just needed to get old enough that I didn't want to grow up anymore. Maybe I needed a change of scenery. I know that has helped, at least. Thank you Oregon for being so inspiring. I really feel like I have found myself here.

More new developments:

I'm moving.

To a basement apartment with a large living area and a large kitchen and a cute cat who just wants to cuddle and best of all, no one else but me.

I'm going to live alone again!

No more rules about how loud my music is, no more untouchable gardens, no more tipping-toe.

Freedom sure is liberating.

Should've known a place couldn't be that great, no matter how cute, if there were that many rules.

And, the craziest of developments in the very near future:

The NBA draft. On Thursday. I'm going to a party for it. I'm going to watch for hours while teams select which college players they want. While they trade and negotiate. Despite the fact that they do those things behind closed doors and all you actually get to watch is very anxious very tall boys who haven't been picked yet wondering if they are going to be next.

Because guess what? I'm obsessed.

I want to know who is going to be on my team next year and I want to know as soon as possible. I want to start watching Youtube videos of my new players when they were in college championships and formulating opinions about them so when the season rolls around I'll be able to have my own predictions about what is going to happen.

And then I want to talk about it with other people who pay just as much attention as me and have different opinions and then we can debate and it can get really heated and I'll say things like, "good point, but have you considered..." and then when it's all over they'll be impressed by how much I know and I'll be grinning huge and it's just between you and me that I've only been paying attention for less than two years. Because I can fool anybody.

But really, that's not why I'm super-anxious for the draft. I'm worried that we're going to get somebody that the coach and the owner and the manager think is really really good but actually he's not, and they are going to trade away some of our amazing young talent to get some mediocre dude who isn't a stand-up guy with work ethic and values like all the rest of the Trailblazers and suddenly all that hard work and momentum we've built up over the past two years will fly out the window and we'll have to watch those guys we traded away kick our asses for years to come.

Like when we passed up Jordan.

And I know that Kevin Pritchard has done nothing but awesome things for this team (Roy and Aldridge in one draft! Oden and then the rights to Rudy in the next! Batum and Bayless in the next!) but what if his luck runs out? I mean, some of it has to be luck or other team's stupidity because some of those moves have been miracles and what if it can't happen again? One mistake and we stop climbing and start sliding. And so much of it rests on one day.

Thursday.

Cross your fingers for me, please? I know you probably don't care that much, but I would sure appreciate it.

Cage

Just another ordinary day.

Sitting around reading, writing, drinking coffee; looking out the window at the garden.

The garden I'm not allowed to set foot in.

My next-door-neighbor-landlord's garden.

The garden alongside and behind my house that I can longingly look at but never touch without permission.

Did I mention there's a pond?

With koi?

I can see them through my kitchen window.

And a fountain?

I can hear it from my dining table if the house is quiet.

Which it is because we can't play our music too loud lest we disturb him.

There are sunny pathways and a perfectly pruned Japanese Maple swaying in the breeze and I just want to go out and feel the grass between my toes but I can't because I have to stay inside and tip-toe through my own house but not while wearing high-heeled shoes.

I might ruin the historic wood floors.

Addiction

Grrrrrr.... headache.

Everything is too bright.

I stumble into the kitchen, spill water everywhere, and stub my toe.

I can't find the grinder.

I spill the beans.

I turn the heat on under the wrong burner.

Desperate now, I pour the water onto the grounds before it boils.

I stare at the French Press and wonder how long it's been.

I know that a perfect combination of 180 degree water and the right ratio of freshly ground beans slowly build to the optimum flavor over about 5 minutes, but right now I can't wait.

I fucking need my coffee.

My favorite person

I know what you're thinking. Months and months with hardly a post and now two in two days? What happened?

No, I didn't buy a computer. The sad reality is that as long as my foot continues to hurt it will always be first priority if I have any extra cash. Which I don't. Because I'm spending it all on basketball tickets. But enough about that.

I'm writing a lot more because I do suddenly have a computer in my possession. Because somebody really really loves me.

That someone is Erin Althoff. My best friend. The only friend I have who knew me fresh out of high school in love with my boss at the movie theater and hiding behind waist-length hair. Before depression in Chicago. Before giddy almost-love in Eugene. Before I started cutting my own hair. Before Blazers. Before I even let myself be me. She new me back then and me now and me every step of the way between, and we have only grown closer as we have grown up. 

Now she lives in Portland, and every time I go up there I tense up and get giddy and I probably cross my eyes as I have been known to do when extra excited, because I get to see Erin.

Someone from Iowa. Someone from home. Someone who understands all the weird little quirks that make me me and loves every one of them.

The last time I saw her was for my birthday, and I was almost more excited to see her than I was for my 100 level basketball seats. My birthday was the day after the game anyway, so really that was more of a pre-birthday present. The real birthday present was spending the day with Erin. I would sleep in while she worked a little in the morning, and then after that we would roam the city together in the afternoon sun and enjoy each other's company. Sounds exciting, right?! A chance to completely relax and be myself without wondering where I stood or having to explain anything. To talk about crafting and Gilmore Girls and Blazers and Iowa and this crazy Pacific Northwest and how much we love it.

And it pretty much went just like that. And it was probably the most contented birthday I've ever had. I was happy no matter what happened. We had a few minor hiccups due to running late and a faulty DVD player, and though I have been known to get upset when things don't exactly work out, I never let any of it get in the way. 

And then, to top off my happy weekend, Erin turned to me while I was in the middle of lamenting how much I miss blogging and checking my email and wishing that I could look online for summer jobs without it costing ten cents a minute and said, 

"Why don't you take my laptop? I never use it anyway. I have three computers. You might as well take one." I sat there in complete surprise for a second, guffawing at her, then gathered myself enough to ask  if she was serious. "Of course!" she said.

I jumped up and down and thanked her profusely all night long and into the next morning and when I stepped on the greyhound to go home the next day I took extra care to make sure it wasn't jostled too much, and when I got home I immediately got it out of its bag and plugged it in and tried to connect to the internet even though I didn't know the password and was pretty sure it wouldn't work without it. Which it didn't, and I had to wait. But waiting has never stopped me from being excited, and every day I took it out and tried to make it work on a stolen connection, though those never worked either.

And now you're thinking I'm using that computer right now to happily write this blog.

But you'd be wrong. My room mate doesn't remember the wireless password so she's going to do some research and figure it out. But she's letting me use her computer in the meantime. So I can still blog and wait while the excitement mounts for the day that I can check anything online at any time I want to. What a luxury.

Dying to be there

Right now I'm waiting.

Every few seconds I look up at the clock again, willing it to go faster.

I keep trying to distract myself; read a book, check my email, drink some tea, but really there is nothing I want more than 10:00.

Game 5 Blazers tickets go on sale at 10:00.

Exclusively online.

I might actually have a chance of getting a couple.

Then I have to get work off and find a way to get up there and figure out how to pay my bills, but that all comes later. 

The most important thing is getting them.

Here's a little recap of recent Blazers history and how it relates to me:

The end of the regular season started winding down at the end of March/beginning of April, and I started writing down all the games that were coming up so I could compare the difficulty of each important team's upcoming schedule, so I could see where we would be if certain teams beat other teams and if we won certain key games.

I ignored invitations to hang out with friends so I could see as many games as possible before it was too late. Before basketball season was over.

I bought myself tickets to the last regular season game, tickets in the 100 level which put me about 15 rows behind the players and a little higher up. $150 each. One of the best birthday presents I've ever given myself. I could actually hear the players talking to each other on the court and the ball bouncing and their shoes squeaking. I really experienced a game for the first time. 

At the end of the regular season the Blazers came out ranked fourth in the West. Home court advantage for the playoffs. Remember that post I wrote a while ago about the best game I've ever been to, the one that everything happened in the last 8 seconds of the game?

The Blazers are playing that team in the playoffs.

The Houston Rockets.

I used to kind of like them.

Last year, when the Blazers didn't make it to the playoffs I first cheered for the Phoenix Suns because I like Steve Nash, but when they got booted in the first round I switched over and cheered for the Rockets.

Now I despise them.

Now I want them to fall down and injure themselves.

Because I'm nervous.

I remember how close that game was back in September and I desperately want my team to make it past the first round.

So for you non-fans, in the playoffs the teams play each other seven times, the same team, seven games in a row, sometimes at home and sometimes on the road, and they play for the best of seven (so four). It's a major advantage to have the game on your home court because then your fans can get you pumped up and encourage you when you're feeling down and reward you when you do awesome things and heckle the other team a little.

The Blazers got home court advantage. They started out at the Rose Garden, two games in a row at home before flying to Houston to play two more. I was giddy the day of the first game. I wore my favorite Blazers shirt all day and talked about nothing but basketball and went to work all excited for a gratifying home win and then they choked.

They lost their first game at home.

I was devastated.

Depressed.

I was in a bad mood for the rest of that night and most of the next day.

It took a visit from a friend I haven't seen in a while to cheer me up, and then yesterday, as game two approached I started to get more and more nervous.

Pulling my ear.

Biting my fingernails.

Pacing.

I didn't want them to lose both home games, it would be so hard to go to Houston and win there. They had  to win.

I went through my day all tense and worried, pulled on a Blazers shirt and walked to work, almost walking in front of a car because I was so distracted. I got to work and went through the motions but never really focused on my job. The game started. It was close. I could tell were were playing better than the last game, but Houston was playing just as well, and the lead went back and forth. Finally, after two and a half stressful hours the Blazers managed to pull ahead and win it by four.

Which puts the series tied 1-1.

And now we head for Houston for two games.

Which means unless we pick up one in Houston (difficult but possible) the Blazers might be coming back for game five down 1-3 in the series. They would have to win that game. They have to anyway, even if they get one in Houston. Because Houston is never going to get easier for them to play. So now the pressure is on, and that's one of the things that continues to draw me to basketball.

Everything gets so intense. 

I have to be at game 5. Tickets go on sale in 5 minutes. Wish me luck!

Tumbleweed

Sometimes I feel like I live in coffee shops and bars.
Like today.
Today I woke up and went to a coffee shop to get my coffee, went home, got dressed, found all my tax documents, and then spent about an hour at a coffee shop getting everything filled out (I get $198 from the federal government, I owe $145 to the state, I guess I'm coming out on top, but still disappointing. I was hoping to buy a computer with my refunds but it doesn't look like that's happening).
Spent a little time on facebook and yahoo getting updated, then on NBA.com getting pumped up for tomorrow's game.
Clocking in at 2 hours in a coffee shop today.
In a few minutes here I will go to Block 15 and switch to bar mode.
Super friendly Gwen will put on her smile and hostess anyone who walks in the door, then eat some food, maybe have a beer, then go home and sleep and wake up early to work at the coffee shop.
Mail can be forwarded to my new addresses... Block 15 and Interzone.
At least if I have to be somewhere other than home I have some pretty good places to spend my time.
I've never really liked my job so much that I want to hang out there when I'm not working. Now I have two jobs that I hang out at almost every day, happily.
Weird.
I should be grateful but, as it often happens when my life gets comfortable, I'm getting bored. Itching to stir things up. I wonder what it will be this time.
I've decided that moving is an unwise choice: Money that I might use for a deposit on a place should really go to other things (like debts) and I really should stop taking time off and get my butt in gear so I can owe the world a little less money. Definitely planning on staying in Corvallis another year at least.
When I moved here I thought it was only temporary.
Funny how the places I think I'll live in end up being short-term and the place I move for "just a second" ends up actually feeling like home.
Corvallis feels like Iowa City to me. But in Oregon.
Homey.
But with mountains in the background.
So even though I'm itching to stir things up it's not going to be by moving to another city. I'm going to have to find something else to make life exciting.
Something else has got to change soon, besides the scenery.
Stay tuned.

Loopy

I'm stuck in a loop. Not that it's a bad loop or anything, but over the past few weeks my thoughts keep returning to the same things over and over again.

1. Flowers. They're pretty. They're popping up everywhere. I wonder if I can name them all as I'm walking down the street (I can name about 75%). Tulips are my favorite. No, maybe Crocuses. Maybe Ranunculus. Maybe Magnolias. Conclusion: Spring flowers are my favorite because to me they are more than just flowers. They are the first signs of life. They are new beginnings.

2. My foot hurts. For a while I thought it was getting better, but now I'm pretty sure it's exactly the same as it was six months ago. I don't think running injuries are supposed to last this long if I'm not even running. I'm starting to think it's not just because of bad shoes. I changed shoes and although it doesn't ever get quite as bad as it used to it also isn't getting better. The problem is that I'm always on my feet. Both of my jobs require it. Maybe if I stop working and lay in bed all day for a few months my foot will finally heal itself. Or I can go to a foot doctor. Podiatrist? Or should I go to a sports doctor? Is this sport-related or shoe-related? How am I going to afford a specialist when I don't even have health insurance? I did a test the other night, slowly stepping forward and transferring my weight from the heel of my foot to the toe and then pushing forward, trying to find exactly where it hurts. What's the motion that is the root of all this? Here's what I found; a weird popping. Something in my toe isn't moving right. As I move forward something shifts in my right toe and pops. Something that doesn't move in my un-injured left foot.

I've also realized just how depressed I am about this. Every morning I wake up and want to run. Every time I see someone running by my heart lurches. I crave running. I even dream about running sometimes. Since I started running in junior high I haven't ever gone this long without running. And I'm yearning for it. I feel sluggish. I feel depressed. I can't get my thoughts straight. Running is like a daily meditation for me and now that I can't do it everything just feels off.

3. On a happier note, I've been thinking a lot about basketball. I know, I think about it all the time. But if you're paying any attention to the Western conference playoff race you can see why. Only 3 games separate the 8th spot from the 2nd spot. (I realize that may have sounded like gibberish to a few of you. How to explain this...? So, the top 8 teams in the West get to go to the playoffs. They are ranked according to winning percentage. The number 8 team would have the same winning percentage as the number 2 team if they won 3 games and the number 2 team's percentage stayed the same. Maybe I'm just confusing you...) Every single game that happens among any of the top 9 teams carries a lot of weight! Rankings change overnight. Today I went to NBA.com and wrote down the schedules for all of the top teams, to see if I can predict where they are going to end up. I can sort of judge based on who they are playing in the future how many games they are likely to win. I spent 2 hours at NBA.com wondering where my team is going to end up. It was fun, but stressful. Wow, am I obsessed or what?

Holy crap, I'm writing!

So this whole writing-on-my-blog thing is getting more and more rare. And, here's the thing; I'm starting to really miss it. I like writing for an audience. It gets me out of my own head a little bit. I write differently if I know no one is ever going to read what I'm writing. There's no need to think about anything. I suppose it's more free flowing that way, but that sort of writing has no universal appeal. It's all about me, written for me; me completely un-edited. And the thing about that is it holds no interest for others. And as much as I love me I want other people to be compelled by my writing. I can't publish myself.

I've been trying to work on balance. On in-betweens. Because I'm not very good at them. I'm all or nothing. One way or another. I have a hard time finding happy mediums, and I think that might be one of the most important lessons I can learn. Making time for myself and making time to be social instead of crawling away into a hole and focusing on writing and neglecting all my friends and then going crazy after a few weeks and feeling a monstrous loneliness and then creeping out of the hole and apologizing and hanging out with my friends constantly until I start to go crazy and need to be alone again. Finding some way to be healthy and exercise even though I can't run instead of giving up all hope of being in shape until I can run again. Writing for myself and for an audience (a blog being a really good example. I'm writing for a more personal audience which makes my writing more relaxed than it would be if I was writing for a professor or something. And my relaxed writing is generally better.)

For some reason if things can't be exactly the way I want them I tend to give up on them completely and want them to be the opposite. I don't really understand why. Maybe I like the conflict. Two very opposing sides don't blend well and create sparks. And I do like sparks. I like their energy. I think of energy as passion and excitement. I can't let go of the conflict for this reason, but I think I could still learn something from the in-betweens.

Why I love Oregon (usually)

Finally some rain around here! I, unlike many I know, love the rain. I want it to rain more. I want it to rain every day. I want to see everything reach maximum green. I want to splash in puddles and spend a good chunk of my time soaking wet and muddy. I love it. It's been a particularly dry Oregon winter. Usually I would get enough rain to stay happy, but not this year. This year I'm worried about the droughts and forest fires we're going to have over the summer because the ground wasn't adequately soaked. Because it doesn't rain all summer. It gets dry and dusty and brown and to me that is hellish and I spend all July and August wishing for clouds and rain and a little refreshment. The rain makes me feel alive. Come on drops, keep falling! You can do it! Just a little bit more! Oh, and do you mind coming back again tomorrow? Thanks.

Clouds and quick updates

I moved! It's even more of a relief than I thought it would be. I walk around giddy with happiness now, unable to contain myself. More like the old Gwen. I feel so much healthier already, and it's been three days. I never knew a friend could be so bad for me. I've had to break up with boyfriends because something wasn't working with our relationship, but never with friends. Either we've grown apart or stayed friends, but there was never a time when I needed to get out right then and there and it's strange to feel this way about a friend. I don't think I'm going to call her a friend anymore.

I bought a bed the other day. Brand new! The frame isn't brand new but it's nicer than any of the brand new ones at the bed store, so I'm pretty excited about it. I had a duvet cover from IKEA that I had been saving until I moved and it was really fun to get it out last night and put it on my new bed. I also got a featherbed and flannel sheets. I went all out. The bed wasn't as much as I was expecting, and I just put a huge paycheck in the bank (all this working is paying off, not only am I making way more money but I don't have time to spend money, either!) so I went to Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday and splurged and then went to work and had a hard and busy day and then came home and smiled at my brand new bed and then put the featherbed on it and then the flannel sheets and then put the new duvet cover on my comforter and the new pillowcases that match on my pillows and got into bed and lay there thinking it's been a long time since I was this happy.

There is nothing better than working really hard and feeling like you've earned every penny you get and then going home and snuggling with a cloud. A soft, flannel, nicely decorated cloud. I slept all morning. And it felt great. When I sleep in I feel like I really deserve it.

My computer at home doesn't get wireless internet, and that's what we have at my new house so I'm out of luck. I think I'm going to buy a zip drive so I can write at home and then bring it in to the internet cafe near my house. I have a feeling I'm going to be singlehandedly supporting them. It's a new business and there is no one in here but me. They seemed surprised when I asked them about the computers. I don't think many people use them. Most people have laptops these days. I'm going to do my taxes and then hopefully buy my very own laptop with my returns.

My foot has been injured for about six months and I'm going stir-crazy. All this working aggravated it at first and it was really bad for a while, but it's starting to get better and I think if I get some better work shoes it will heal even more and I might be able to start running again soon. I read a memoir by a fiction author I really like named Haruki Murakami, and in it he talks a lot about the correlation between running and writing, and how much running makes a difference in his life and the amount of discipline he has, and how much he thinks that helped him become a successful writer, and it was nice to hear someone else say that because I've been thinking that for a long time. Can't wait to run again.

Can't wait to have time to edit my posts and sound less disjointed. I'm trying to tell you everything really quick because I'm paying ten cents a minute right now for internet and I've already spent $3.50 on this post. Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Oh, one more thing you'll be glad to know. Susie (the mouse) has a good home! Where I can visit her as often as I like! My new room mate has cats that are sort of wild and would definitely go crazy with a mouse in the house so she asked me if I could find a place for Susie, and I asked my friend and he's going to keep her for me and then give her back when I move again. Yay! I played with her at his house yesterday and was really glad I didn't have to get rid of her altogether.

Okay, before my $5 runs out I should go check my email and NBA.com. More soon!