Want to know something sad?

When I was thinking about all the things that have happened to me over the past year and trying to come up with a single most defining characteristic, or a statement that could sum everything up, the first thing I came up with was, "The year of getting over him then obsessing about him then not getting any closer to getting over him then thinking I am finally over him only to realize I am not."

The thing that defines my year most is someone else?

I'll give you a little bit of history:

We dated when I first moved to Oregon (summer 2006)

Everything was tumultuous (fall 2006)

We decided we were in love (late fall/early winter 2006)

Everything was even more tumultuous (winter 2006/2007)

We broke up (Valentine's Day 2007)

Everything was tumultuous (after that 2007)

We tried to be friends but mostly despised each other (spring/early summer 2007)

Notice that we weren't even together for half a year.

Notice that it has been about a year since we've been together.

Notice the tumultuousness.

And yet somehow it sticks; sometimes barely an itch and sometimes a dull ache and sometimes a pang so sharp I feel I might collapse, but always there. All year. Sadly, it does spur many of my motivations. I hate to say it, but I think I want revenge. I want to be the one to tell him I don't want him anymore. I want to be the one who is relaxed and confident and gets over it. Thing is, getting over it is one of my least-honed skills. I've just never really wanted to. Getting over it always sounded too much like giving up, like throwing the white flag and moving on. Which are all things I have trouble with. And so I obsess, without really knowing why and completely conscious of how detrimental it is to my health. Bah! I shake my fist at you, world who made me obsessive and stubborn (or focused and determined, depending on the day) and extremely passionate, which is part of the reason I can't let go of "love" whenever I think I might have encountered it. Oh romance. If only you were like you are in the movies. Warm and fuzzy and sweet, and full of passion and vigor.

Sometimes I think I am more in love with being in love than with the actual person I can't get over. I want that feeling back. I can't find it anywhere else and I know I felt it then so I mope and pine for those good old days when everything was perfect and amazing and I somehow forget about all the tumultuousness, until I remember and then tell myself that it's better for me this way and it wasn't a good fit, and point out that I now know how to make myself happy, and I try to force a small bit of logic in and tell myself to just get over it because I don't want to be with him anymore anyway, but the trouble is I was never very good at logic. I form emotional attachment to words and sentences and animals walking by on the street and people I've never even met, and of course the attachment only gets stronger when they are people I have met and care about, and all that emotion just wipes the logic right out. I brim.

And I love that I brim. It's one of my favorite things about myself. I love it that I literally shake with excitement. I think it's great that I can get so emotionally invested in something that I can't contain it anymore and I have to cry or scream or write something fast to let it out. So I can't even make a New Year's resolution that says, "Note to self: Stop brimming and being so emotional so you can just get over him already!" because it would contradict one of the most important lessons I have learned all year. To be myself. Whatever it may be, good or bad, just let it out and accept it. So maybe by following that idea full circle I can conclude that the best way to get over it is to accept the fact that I'm not over it and just let myself go crazy until (hopefully) there is no crazy left. Because naturally I will get over it. It's just a matter of time.

Until then I need to focus on more positive things. And maybe try to train that focus away from myself and my inner anguish and out at the world. How are you all feeling?